The last couple of weeks have been one of those where you learn a lot. And where you realise that something you thought to start with was right, can turn into one big mess.
Remember that friend I told you about who I could tell anything too? Well, things got a little to intense and we had convinced ourselves that we should give being together a whirl.
Needless to say it didn't really work.
Neither of us said what it meant to either of us. We said nothing would be done or really said till after we'd been on camp. In his eyes we were 'going out' even though we'd never been out. And I thought nothing was happening and it was on hold. Neither of us understood the other.
Obviously in the month or so leading up to camp we both thought everything was fine, until I realised I was more excited about washing up then seeing him! When you realise that, you know somethings got to be wrong.
So we arrived on camp and he came bounding up to me ecstatic to see me and then I knew there really was no feelings for him at all. It sounds harsh and maybe it is. But It's so easy to get wrapped up in a bubble and realise that what you have effectivly got yourself into is an online relationship. We hadn't seen each other for a year and we'd only spoken on the phone once we decided to give it a go. We hadn't even heard each others voices for nearly a ear. Let alone seen each other!
It didn't take long to realise that actually I'd done the wrong thing. And it needed to stop before anything had happened, before anything had been committed. In my eyes I hadn't committed myself to him as a girlfriend. I'd never referred to him as my boyfriend to anyone. Not even to myself. I never woke up and thought 'I have a boyfriend'. It was really strange. The buzz, the butterflies in the tummy you get and that I've had before I never got. Never. I did get frustration thought that he wanted to talk to me all the time. That I couldn't have even one evening with just my family. Without my phone beeping as he wanted to speak to me. Frustrating? I guess not if you really love the person.
It felt like he had put on some kind of charade. I knew he wasn't that confident. But to me he was. He talked a lot and asked lots of questions. Yet when we were in each others presence, he wouldn't even say 'good morning'.
I ended up telling him it wasn't going to work right now. I gave him many reasons and he didn't take it all that well. My Mum told me to write him a letter. Which I did in the end. He's received it and is now really upset with me and says I've blamed him a lot for it. Which I haven't. Or at least tried not to. I guess he's one of these people who sees and reads what he wants. Which would make sense. After we decided to give it a go, when he was reading his Bible he saw lots about how to be a boyfriend and husband. He'd tell me the passages and I would look it up and there's nothing there. Sees what he wants. Reads what he wants. Sees what he wants.
The mess is that ultimately I've lost my friend. He doesn't want to talk to me at all. Know anything about me. I've lost him. And I wish I hadn't. I couldn't think of a better way to handle it. And break ups hurt. I know, I've been on both sides of them several times. But remember, you aren't the only one who's gone through them. Your parents probably have, friends, other family even that most popular girl and guy at school will have done or will do at some point. It's such a learning curve.
I'm not saying don't be upset. If you are it shows how much you care for them. Just, don't act like you're the only person to ever have gone through it. Because that's what this guy is doing and frankly it's annoying.
I guess my point is, watch who you talk to, how much and how. Spend time with people. Don't sit staring at a computer screen all day talking to people by typing to them. Actually go and see them. If you really like the person you will go and see them. You will book that train or coach. You will pay that £50 it costs. Cause they are worth it and you want to spend time with them.
Don't get to wrapped up in a bubble. Spend time with other people. And if they keep pestering them, tell them! They can't demand your attention the whole time.
Be smart and know the difference between 'love' and 'want'.
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